Hold Me Again
by Inari Kasugawa
Summary: Alfred is hurting over a dead relationship with Ivan and really wants to hear his voice. He gets to, but it isn't exactly what he wanted. IvanxAlfred in a non-cannon setting, implied RoChu but nothing really.


**Hold Me Again**

Alfred buried his face in one of the stiffer pillows on his bed, inhaling deeply a make-believe scent. He rubbed his cheek against the material, quiet, breathy moans being absorbed by the cotton of the pillows' case.

"F-fucking bastard. Fucking commie bastard."

He did not touch himself, but tried even harder to take false comfort in another's body that was not there. A sad whimper choked out into the air. He smothered himself with the rough fabric, tearless sobs shaking him. He felt cold pain running through the veins of his neck, and felt the hairs on the back of his head raise. His breath shuddered and he gripped the pillow tightly, the fabric bunching where it was loose. He could imagine the old feeling of another's hands on his back, rubbing small circles, comforting, and gentle symmetry.

A cry rang out in the quiet room, old ghosts taking his heart in their cold, violent grip.

Alfred could not help but think of Ivan with that other person, with _Yao. _The thought made him angry, desperate. He bit into the pillow, a grunt of frustration as he tried to tear the pillow and its covering. Who did they think they were? Coming out of nowhere and taking what was his? Just because it hadn't been official…

He _had_ loved him. He _still _loved him.

Alfred took a few deep breaths and laid his head on the pillow. It was his own fault that Ivan left, his own fault that Ivan found someone else. He curled in on himself and reached to take his cell phone off the bedside table. Scrolling through his contacts, he found Ivan's number.

_Alfred: Hey, sup?_

He spread himself on his bed, the weight on his chest immense. He felt like crying, but he couldn't find anyone to place the blame on anyone but himself. Sure, he could think all of the nasty things he wanted about Yao, but he knew that it was not his fault. Alfred had not demanded anything serious from Ivan, and it was not as if he was going to tell Yao.

_Ivan: Hello. _

Alfred rolled his head back and wanted to ignore the message, already regretting that he had messaged the other man in the first place.

_Alfred: How are you?_

Thirty seconds later:

_Ivan: I am well and you?_

He could almost hear the other man's voice, just like before. He wanted to hear more.

_Alfred: Well enough. Are you busy?_

He felt his heart beat pick up. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to maintain an impassive feeling as he hastily removed his pants and boxers when he heard the cell ring again.

_Ivan: No. Is something wrong?_

Alfred laughed to himself a little. He always assumed something was wrong. He decided not to bother with his shirt but instead decided to fumble with the texting by switching hands. His right hand wrapped around his hardening member. He pressed his face again into the abused pillow, his mind mimicking for him the warmth and the smell of that man on the other side of the phone.

_Alfred: Nothing is wrong. How are you?_

He could imagine Ivan's hand holding the phone, his fingers typing out his next message. Alfred shivered, stroking himself slowly, that voice, he could hear it, that beautiful, accented voice, each breath making Ivan's chest rise and fall. He did not skip a beat even as the phone again rang. He quickly flipped open his phone.

_Ivan: Call me._

Alfred nearly threw his phone; there was no way that he was going to call. There was no way that his left hand was actually going down his contact list and hitting the call button over Ivan's number. Not as he, even now, stroked himself, moaning wantonly away from the receiver. The phone began to ring and he muffled himself in the pillow until he could stop panting.

"Hello? Alfred?"

He almost gave himself away. Biting his bottom lip, he regained control as quickly as he could.

"H-hey Ivan."

"Is something the matter?"

That concern… He pressed the cell phone into the duvet and stroked himself hard a couple of times, struggling to regain control.

"Hello? Hello? Alfred are you alright?"

What was he supposed to say? He had texted him to jack-off to a pretend voice, to someone he didn't have.

"J-just a bad night."

_Just like the first time they had spoken late at night. Desperation had driven Alfred to texting Ivan before, late at night. Nightmares that he couldn't get to go away, the feeling of desperately needing another body to grasp, someone to make the cold go away. Ivan told Alfred to go into his bathroom, to turn on the sink, and to whisper his nightmare into the water, but not to hang up, just to come back when he had finished. _

_Alfred had spent a few moments mumbling his fears in a dark bathroom down a sink. And he felt better. He thought that Ivan would have hung up by now. It was three in the morning, why would he stay up for him?_

_But when Alfred got back to the phone, asking an automatic 'hello', he was taken a bit aback by a sleepy reply. Ivan talked to Alfred, confessing a similar need, a similar want for comfort. Ivan asked if Alfred wanted to meet. 15 minutes later, there was a honk and Ivan was sitting in a car outside Alfred's house. _

_Another 15 minutes and they were sitting on the hood of Ivan's car, Ivan smoking a cigarette, the city sprawled out down the hill beneath them. Ivan put out the cigarette on the safety fence. _

_Alfred didn't remember when, perhaps he was too tired to, but they were kissing. Their first kiss. He definitely didn't remember getting into the back seat of the car either, or how Ivan got to kneeling over him, a hand on his hip, another tangled in Alfred's blond hair, their lips desperately connected, desperately trying to tie their owners together. _

_They drove back to Alfred's house, a light rain falling, smearing the streetlights fluorescent guidance on the windowpane. Ivan tuned off the car when they got in front of Alfred's place, the lights shining from his path out. They sat there for a moment before Alfred made to get out of the car when Ivan pulled him back by his sleeve, kissing Alfred once more before letting go. _

"_Good night."_

"_Good night Ivan."_

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Alfred could feel those lips on his neck, familiar and warm. His right hand was at slow work, stroking himself, pre-cum slickening his member. He tuned his head away from the phone again to gasp, to whisper Ivan's name where he would not be able to hear it.

"I can't sleep much, and even when I do, I feel tired."

Not this time.

"_I don't want to be seen. Just get out and let me take my shower."_

_Ivan threw a pair of boxers at Alfred, he himself wearing a pair of swim trunks._

"_We have to fix that. We aren't that different, you know. So put them on, because I am coming in whether you do or not."_

_Alfred hurried to put them on when he heard Ivan begin counting. _

_The shower door opened and Ivan stepped inside, Alfred pressing himself against the opposite wall. _

"_The water is so cold. You know what they say about people who take cold showers, da?"_

_Alfred didn't have anything to say, though he still mumbled his denial. _

"_Come stand by me. I won't hurt you."_

_Ivan towered over Alfred, and he himself was already a tall man. He stood directly under the shower head, the water partially obscuring his sight partially. He vaguely saw Ivan's movements, him reaching for the liquid soap, spreading it on his hands, pressing Alfred out of the spray of the water, turning him so that Alfred's back faced him. _

"_H-hey wait." _

"_Stop Alfred, trust me."_

_Sure, he had made out with him in the back of his car, but this was by far more intimate. Ivan pressed his lathered hand's to Alfred's back, spreading the soap over him. It felt good to Alfred, his hands, strong and reassuring, moving slowly, down, down…_

"_H-hey!"_

_Alfred turned around to make Ivan stopped, but the busy hands continued to kneed the soap onto Alfred's body, over his chest, teasing him._

"_Stop. Please, stop it."_

_Ivan looked at him seriously for a moment, but removed his hands as Alfred caught his breath, stepping again under the fall of cold water. _

"_Alfred."Ivan took up Alfred's hands and poured the soap into them. _

"_Your turn to do me. I trust you."_

_Alfred looked up at Ivan, a scared look on his face. Ivan turned around, and it made it easier. And somehow, it felt good to him to be so trusted. Alfred leaned his head on Ivan's back, the water running over them. _

"Talk to me, tell me what's up."

Alfred stroked himself faster, his whispers just maybe giving him away, but he put it aside and told Ivan about his day, about going for a hike, every 'uh huh' and 'yeah' throwing lightning bolts through his body, making it harder and harder for him to restrain his gasps of pleasure and he can smell the smoke of Ivan's cigarettes, the lingering odor it left on anything that went into the man's car. He has to place the phone down again to scream, his sudden orgasm just barely tucked away, the pillow again serving to hid his deviancy. He took a moment to calm himself, and even this time, Ivan is still on the phone.

"Ivan, tell me something about your day." He feels good.

_They are lying together in bed; Alfred has his face buried in Ivan's chest, the occasional kiss brushing over Ivan's collar bone. Ivan runs a hand down Alfred's back, sliding it under the band of the boxers that the other man wears, feeling the other man shudder at such an intimate touch of skin on skin. Alfred grows hard and Ivan can feel it pressing into his leg. Alfred can likewise feel Ivan's excitement, though without the clothing in the way. Alfred moves his kisses from Ivan's chest to his neck, tongue and teeth and lips playing over pale skin, sighs in Russian sending shivers down Alfred's spine. He doesn't understand what it is that Ivan is saying, but he likes it, he loves it, and if he could get away with it, he would just ask Ivan to talk in Russian. _

_Ivan started dragging down the boxers, Alfred moving to help remove them, kneeling over Ivan with a knee on either side of the man's hips. He leans down and kisses Ivan on the lips. They do not talk about serious things when they are together, and, at times like these, they don't speak with words at all. They give themselves to what feels good. Soon their kiss turns to open-mouthed tonguing, gasps and groans and grabbing hands and grinding hips, the temperature of room escalating to the point where they can no longer tell that winter snow is falling outside the window. _

_Even as Alfred thrusts his hips into his partners, Ivan wraps a hand around the both of them, stroking their heated flesh at an increasing pace, kisses broken to take in gasps of air teeth nipping at lips and shoulders and ears. _

_And Alfred cannot tell exactly what Ivan is thinking, but he thinks to himself, "I love him". And though he does not say it aloud, he knows that it will never fade. _

"Yao brought me a book of poems the other day, a collection of masters. They are really very nice. I made us dinner before he went home."

Alfred laid in his bed, staring at his ceiling, barely hearing the words. He remembered the food that Ivan would make and felt a pang of jealousy. His breathing became quick and pained.

"Alfred, Alfred you don't sound so good."

"I'm fine, really. What did you make?""Oh, just borscht, it is winter now after all."

It was getting hard for Alfred to breath, but he did his best to respond in an ambiguous manner.

"I miss you Ivan."

There was a brief silence on the other end of the phone and Alfred had to check to see if Ivan had maybe hung up on him.

"Alfred…"

The tone of Ivan's voice cut right through Alfred. He didn't know what he could say next.

"I miss you too, I wish I could do something."

_You could leave Him._

"Don't worry about it. You are happy right?" It was such a back handed question, Alfred almost took it back.

He waited for a minute for Ivan's response, but again the silence. He looked at his phone, only to see that the cell phone had died.

Alfred laughed to himself at the irony. He wanted to throw his phone into the wall. It had been so good to hear Ivan's voice again, so instead he just let it drop to the floor and again embraced his pillow with the rough cover.

"Ivan.. Ivan I love you. I love you."

**Fuck. **

**Please read and review. **


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